Key Takeaways
- Keep talking: Try to keep communication as open as possible, acknowledging the feelings and emotions both you and your parent are experiencing. Their natural instinct is to know that you are ok so don’t forget to share your feelings, whilst asking how you can support them at the same time.
- Communication with others is key: You may want to be there as much as you can for your parent, but forming a support network with other family members and your parent’s friends will ensure that support is always there without burning yourself out.
- Remember your own wellbeing is important too: Supporting a parent with cancer can be emotionally and physically draining, it is important to take time out for you to process your own emotions and to do things which support your wellbeing.
Supporting a parent with cancer can be one of the hardest things to navigate in life. A time when one of the people you might usually look to for support is the person you need to be there for instead. It can feel like a reversal of roles which can be difficult to get used to, and may lead to your parent feeling reluctant to accept help or to share details or struggles with you.
Here Reta Sowton, a cancer nurse specialist at Perci Health, shares how you can support your parent with their diagnosis, treatment and emotions whilst supporting your own wellbeing.
Dealing with your own feelings
If your parent is diagnosed with cancer, it can turn your world on its head. Things which were important to you previously might not matter anymore; the only thing you will want now is for your parent to be ok. Feelings of fear, confusion, sadness and injustice may become default emotions, you may also feel alone even if you have siblings.
As you work through your feelings, you may feel disconnected from friends, other family members and perhaps even your parent, yet it is important to have support for you too. Make sure you reach out to your own support network or get advice on how to support someone with cancer.
How to support a parent with cancer
The best way to support your parent is to ask them what they need, however a little perseverance and understanding may be required if they are determined to be there for you instead. Here are some key things you can do to help without imposing on their sense of identity as a parent:
Knowing what to say to your parent with cancer
It can be difficult knowing what to say to a parent with cancer, and even more difficult if the future is unclear. Try to avoid saying things such as “you’re going to be fine”, and make sure you have important conversations no matter how difficult they are.
Depending on the stage of cancer there may be really difficult conversations involving your parent’s wishes for end of life care or funeral arrangements. It’s important that both you and they can talk freely about these things either with you or their health care professionals.. This is where a support network becomes invaluable.
It can also be difficult to know what to say after treatment has finished. This can be a time of recovery and readjustment for your parent. Navigating this time can be really hard for your parent especially as everyone around them will expect them to slot into their pre cancer life. For most people this is a time of readjustment so it’s important to keep talking and be mindful of anniversaries and scans which can all be difficult for your parent to navigate.
Become an ally with their friends and other family members
It could be that your parent is more likely to open up to their friends or siblings without wanting to burden you. In which case it can be helpful to talk to them to ask how your parent really feels and what you can do to help. You can be there for each other whilst providing shared support.
Offer practical support or put it in place
When attending appointments and undergoing treatment, your parent may feel unwell and may be unable to do things in the same way as they did prior to their diagnosis. Offering practical support such as helping in the house, shopping and giving lifts may be appreciated.
Your parent may feel embarrassed if you are doing tasks they would normally do for you or have done in the past. You could talk to your parent to see how they feel about accepting your help.Asking your parents support network what they can help with and when can be really useful so that the jobs can be shared out.
Offering emotional support
As well as offering practical, hands-on help and support, you might also wonder how you can support your parent emotionally – without them feeling as though it should be the other way round. There are some key things to consider to help keep your relationship as normal as possible:
Acknowledge a change in relationship dynamic
The dynamics of the relationship you have with your parent will feel different following a diagnosis cancer, often leaving you both worrying about each other rather than it being the usual role of parent and child.
It can feel confusing and frustrating , and can lead to misunderstandings and feelings of disconnection if your parent hides how they are feeling or the level of help they need.
Keep talking, keep showing you care, and keep your shared support network close. Allowing you both to sit with your feelings is important too, avoiding trying to ‘fix things’.
Try to keep a sense of ‘normal’ as much as possible, ensuring not everything is about their cancer. Do things you enjoy together where you can, talk about your life, make plans for the future, disagree about the things you usually disagree about, and remember to still have fun when possible.
Looking after yourself
Supporting a parent with cancer can be really difficult with hard conversations. It is important that you have your own support network in place. It’s also important to focus on your wellbeing , with activities such as journaling, regular exercise. Support for your mental health, meditation and talking to friends.
There are many cancer charities and other organisations you can access for advice and support as well as your GP, to support you with your mental health and emotions.
It can also be helpful to tell your employer that a loved one has cancer so that they can support you at work.
Here at Perci, our cancer specialists are here to help those affected by cancer. 1-to-1 appointments for individualised guidance and support are available on-demand through our innovative digital platform. Find out more and sign up for a Perci Health account today.